I belong to a "Traditional Shaiva Tamil" family. The reference to my lineage for a very limited purpose of bringing to fore what I share here as lived experiences and not references from third party. I, however, also state that owing to certain traditions in this lineage I have been able to explore meaning / purpose (ikigai is the new term) of my life. I am thankful to be born in this lineage.
Given this background, over the years I have witnessed umpteen marriage ceremonies and surely actively participated in one - my own marriage (It was performed with all traditional ceremonies / customs being followed). From very early age my parents took a lot of efforts to make me realise what goes behind making any event happen. The process, the arrangements, the commercials and issues of funding these events. Our social circles were largely belonging to "emerging class". Thus there was always a dearth of financial resources for conducting such events. Most of the marriages that I observed were performed as grand occasions (at the cost of even calling them Ostentatious) with borrowed funds. This debt was substantial and imposed long term constraints on family to allocate funds to other essentials of life.
Respect for Kanchipuram Matham is central to the lineage I belong to. This was to an extent that the first invite of marriage was always sent to Kanchi Matham for blessings. Any doubts on performance of ceremonies / rituals or practice of customs were always clarified by seeking guidance from Kanchi Matham.
This brought to fore a fundamental questions in my mind:
a. Would Kanchi Matham (in effect Shankaracharya) recommend elaborate wedding ceremonies even at the cost of survival of the family.
b. Further would Kanchi Matham interpret the Dharmashastras in a manner that only bride family is supposed to carry such financial burden?
I admire the clarity with which Put. Chandrasekhara Saraswati (respectfully called Paramacharyal / Periyaval) articulated Dharmashastra's position on these matters and also various other aspects. His discourses have been published as a collection in book published by Bhavan's publication called "The Hindu Dharma". I am reproducing the section around conducting marriage:
"Girls today are sometimes married at the age of 25 or 30, far beyond the limit fixed by the law. The inability to raise the money required for the wedding is one reason for this. All the ostentation at weddings, dowry and other gifts given to the groom's people have no sanction in the sastras. To demand a suit for the groom or a pair of boots, an expensive wrist-watch or other luxury articles is nothing but extortion. It is as good as milking the bride's party dry. This kind of plunder is not approved by the sastras. So too the procession called "janavasam", with all its glitter, taken out on the eve of the wedding as though it were an essential part of the ceremonies.
In the past, when the bride and groom were very young, the wedding included functions to keep the couple in good cheer since they would perhaps have felt uncomfortable before the smoke of the sacred fire. There were elements of play like nalangu and also the procession.
"Kanyam Kanaka-sampannam" (the bride adorned with gold): these words occur in the sastras relating to the marriage rites. Gold symbolises the grace of Laksmi but a mangalasutra with a grain of gold as part of it is enough. There is no need for other types of expensive jewellery, diamond studs, and so on. No silks are required. A cotton sari will serve the purpose of the kurapudavai. Above all the custom of dowry must be scrapped. There is also no justification on holding a lavish wedding dinner for the whole neighbourhood. Nor is a music or dance recital needed. A big pandal too is not necessary."
Such clear statement from Periyaval makes me now question - are "Traditional Shaiva Tamils" actually true followers of Kanchi Matham? Is there a selective following of principles espoused based on how it satiates one's own ego. Isnt the true purpose of what Sanatana Dharma prescribed marriage for is forgotten. I DO FIND THIS HYPOCRITICAL.
I used to have these questions latent in my head. I have read this section by Periyaval many times before but didn't have personal gumption for share views in open forum. I am now in early 40's. Despite the views, I have find that myself and people of my generation used to engage / participate in various ceremonies under direction of our elders. I find kids below 30's now rebellious (from their perspective rightly so) to the extent of completely ignoring ceremonies and forming a view that there is no rational basis for what Sanatana Dharma prescribes. A strong aversion is created in their minds when they observe these conflicts and hypocrisy.
From my personal experience, I confidently share that primary philosophy of Dharmic traditions are beneficial for leading a fulfilling life. The society at large also can gain substantively and sustainably from truly following Dharmic philosophies. It is upto the current crop of people between age of 30's to 50's to examine, understand, adopt and then share the Sanatana Dharma principles for the benefit of generations to come.
In closure, I don't intend to be disrespectful to all in my social circles who have participated / engaged / experienced this hypocrisy (I am also a hypocrite in this context). I intend to only own up my own misgivings, develop better convictions in core belief systems and contribute towards a better society by promoting progressive conversations.
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