There is a strong posturing of us living in the age of reason and science. Hence prescription of law is central to all discussions, debates and deliberations. Definition of Marriage as per Merriam Webster dictionary "the state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law". Divorce means "the legal end of a marriage".
When I dwell on the concept of Marriage and Divorce further, I find a very hypocritical logic sitting in the centre. Based on our personal lived experience, we can safely state that most of the marriages in India (also the Christian world) are generally conducted as some elaborate traditional ceremony. Subsequent to the same, such marriages are formally registered with the relevant authorities. (Statistics for % of only civil marriages vs those which are registered post traditional ceremony is not available apparently in Indian Union Government Census website. Similar is the result for United States of America).
Thus tradition / religion comes to centre of the relationship called "Marriage". At the outset, I would like to state, I am not any authority on traditional / religious ceremonies. A desktop research yields the following broad learnings (primarily wiki sources):
Hindu Dharma (i use tradition as term for Hindu not religion specifically) prescribes the purpose of the marriage (sanskar) as to fulfill the Purushartha of ‘Kama’ and then gradually advance towards ‘Moksha’. Hindu Dharma has prescribed four Purusarthas (Four basic pursuits of life), that is Dharma (Righteous duties and responsibilities) , Artha (Wealth), Kama (Sensory pleasure) and Moksha (free from any bondage). Hindu marriage harmonizes two individuals (mostly male and female) for ultimate eternity, so that they can work towards realising purushartha's. It is a union of two individuals as spouses, and is recognized by liveable continuity. Similar understanding can be extended to the other Indic beliefs of Sikhism, Buddhism, Jainism.
Many of the largest Christian denominations regard marriage as a sacrament, sacred institution, or covenant. Thus divorce would be beyond the prescription of the religious belief. It is non voidable.
A Muslim marriage is not a sacrament, but a simple, legal agreement in which either partner is free to include conditions. These conditions are stipulated in a written contract. Violating any of the conditions stipulated in this contract is legal grounds for a partner seeking divorce. The first part of the Nikah, "marriage ceremony", is the signing of the marriage contract itself.
Setting out the context of marriage from traditional perspective, I now proceed to examine the hypocrisy specifically from Hindu / Christian perspective. Muslim world philosophically treats marriage as contract and hence these hypocrisy doesn't apply per se to that segment of the society. My observations would be more pertinent to Hindu society given my personal lived experiences are drawn from that pool.
Hypocrisy 1 - Marriage ceremony as per religious tradition but marital life bereft of any traditions
Marriage under Hindu tradition is viewed as key enabler for a person to enable pursuits of life within the tenets of Dharma. Detailed examination of the Marriage ceremonies would highlight that they have strong connection to the concept of Purusartha's. Thus as part of the ceremonies the bride and groom recognise certain roles that Hindu Dharma prescribes. I am not currently examining whether these roles are appropriate or discriminatory. I am only highlighting that the Bride and Groom choose to go through these elaborate ceremonies in which roles are built in. I am fairly conscious too that most of the bride / groom don't understand the significance / content / context of the ceremonies. They largely go through the motions as tradition requires them to. I would really like if leading to the marriage, the bride / groom spend time to understand the significance of the ceremonies and what they try to inculcate. I am sure that few hours can be devoted to this if there are hours dedicated towards attire, ambience and other related matters of the marriage. How are we to reconcile that the bride / groom are so happy to engage in all traditional ceremonies in its total grandeur but completely neglect the content / context of what they are committing to in these ceremonies about their marital life!!!
Hypocrisy 2 - Marriage as per tradition but divorce as per Law
I have outlined the lack of awareness of what tradition prescribes during marriage. The Bride and Groom go through the process enjoying the aesthetics. The commitments during pheras (circumabulation of fire) under Hindu tradition are reduced to just another event in a series of event. The Hindu traditions also have safety valves built in the event of the couple facing challenges. Given the limited seriousness accorded to ceremonies in the marriage event, any subsequent prescriptions of the Dharma are obviously ignored / rendered irrelevant. We need to be mindful that every relationship requires patient and persistent nurturing. Various methods / tools / suggestions are contained in Hindu Dharma for such nurturing which take form of Samskara's / Ceremonies / Rituals which married couple are to follow. The couple are generally caught up in the immediate actions and instant gratification. Such immediacy is encouraged by the society too. This approach leads to limited patience and persistence in the couple and the Samskara's / Ceremonies / Rituals are shoved away as patriarchal / obsolete / restrictive / discriminatory. Lack of patience / persistence along with ignorance of traditions together create a big void in life of Couple. This leads to them resorting to divorce under civil law. Why shouldn't the social ecosystem (read parents / well wishers) not bring to fore the underlying traditions thoughts for intervention for couple in distress if they could take all the pains of conducting the marriage in elaborate traditional manner? why shouldn't the bride / groom not examine what traditions prescribe for marital bliss if they love the traditional marriage as an event?
Hypocrisy 3 - Profligate marriage ceremony but responsible behaviour in post marital life.
A simple comparison between cost of getting groom ready and cost of bride getting ready would set a stark stage. I am not indicating the bride is erring. I am observing this as a general expectation that is built as part of the marriage process. Why is the bride all decked up and made to feel special on marriage day? The fact of the situation is, very shortly she would be reduced to sorting out grunt household work. Wouldnt such extreme experiences create confusion in the mind of bride. Before marriage Bride was encouraged to go for the best for ceremonies and made to feel extremely good. Post marriage, the same bride is expected to work within the budgetary constraints of the family to which she now has wed into. A generic statement in times of distress between married couple is - "you have changed". Isn't the profligacy prior to marriage encouraged by everyone including the groom / bride followed by a life largely of constraints a major contributor to such feelings leading to major discord between the couple? doesn't this contrast result into "irreconcilable differences" leading to divorce? Arent we sowing the seeds to possible divorce by conducting marriage in a manner substantially different from the general way the life would be led? Many marriages don't lead to divorce but continued resentment brews on this count. Additionally the financial burden of the profligacy is largely borne by the parents of bride leading to further aggravated exchange between couple in time of distress. I am not saying marriage is not special occasion. However marriage is actually the start of a special journey of togetherness of life of the couple. We emphasis so much on the solitary event - Marriage - that we jeopardise so much of the marital life (of the couple themselves and also the parents).
In Closing - Many of the friends and acquaintance have an opinion that all traditions are a farce and enforces discrimination (patriarchy too). Hence we should all adopt civil marriages and leave tradition. There is some rationale for such approach. But linked to this is also a corollary - for every problem complete dissociation would be only way forward. Thus every problematic marriage should be solved by divorce!!! would we want such a society? There is strength in traditions. Do we have intelligence and patience to examine these strengths and use it to bring meaningful change to our life and pursuit of the Purusartha's?
CAN WE BRING IN TRADITIONS IN STUDIED MANNER BACK INTO ALL ASPECTS OF OUR LIFE AND NOT BE SELECTIVE BASIS AESTHETICS, THEATRICS AND VANITY?
Comments